Monday, April 22, 2013

This Feeling

-This Feeling-
I have this smile which misleads
I have this smirk which is misunderstood
I have a sadness in my eyes
A sadness that is not seen by others
A sadness no one sees
This sadness I don't understand
I have this feeling, this emotion'
The feeling of emptiness
This feeling of loneliness
The emotions so mixed up inside
The feeling of being all screwed up
The feeling of wanting understanding
Wanting just one person to truly care
I have this temptation
This temptation which is hard to ignore
Wanting to just give in
I have this wall built to high
So high nobody can enter or move down
Wanting someone, anyone to at least try
I have this feeling..

Double LIfe

-Double Life-
So I find myself laying here in my bed
With a pen and paper in hand
Listening to music trying to clear my head
Trying to get my emotions out
Hating how I feel inside and being so down
Sick of hiding this frown
Not having anyone who understands
All these mix emotions I can't explain
Wanting them all to go away
Wanting to do nothing but place blame
These feelings, these emotions I can't bare
Wondering why they wont just disappear
Always just leaving me with a blank stare
From being sad, happy, angry
Misunderstood by everyone around me
Just wanting someone to be able to see
That there is something wrong with me
But all everyone does see is the "smile"
The smile which is perfect to misguide
Everyone who encounters that's all they see
Hell I'd even call myself a pro
A pro of misleading everyone around me
With not one person expecting anything
If only they knew what I hold inside
Its like I'm living a double life.

The Pain

-The Pain-
The pain I'm feeling is unbearable
Uncomfortable and quezzy
Sick to my stomach
Depressed and confused
Not knowing what had happened
Only thinking the worse
Not knowing the truth
Only what I'm told by others
Making myself sick
Always thinking about it
Constantly on my mind
Knowing I will never know the truth
Dazed and confused
Mixed feelings inside
Wanting the answers
This pain unwanted
Being so stressed
Feeling nothing but pain!

How could you

-How could you-
How could you?
Break my heart so easily in just a second
You said you loved me
But one drunken night changed it all
You had forgotten it all
Our love, our past, our dreams, our everything
Just for a night of fun
Everyone had reminded you of me
Still you didn't care
So you give me such a pain I can hardly bare
Now you say your sorry
And how you still love me, that you messed up
Well I'm sorry is just a word, its action that I look for
Still no actions, makes me question
Is what we had just a fling
Or just love that I only felt
It hurts I admit
I'm just not ready to quit
All I want to know
How could you?


Sitting here in the dark
Radio playing sad country songs
Thinking about everything that had happened
How life couldn't get any worse
Hoping tomorrow brings goodness
Avoiding all badness in life
Crying to the past
Wanting things to go back
Wishing history would be tomorrow
Come back and things would be good
Considering options good and bad
How everything in life makes me sad


Sitting here at night
Thinking about what has happened
Hoping that everything would come back to me
Just praying that I could remember
Just one little memory would be good
Close my eyes and thinking hard
Being all confused and mixed up
Wishing I hadn't blacked out
Only remembering bits and pieces
Feeling hurt and sick because I don't remember
Thinking about the worse
Just wanting to confront him
Asking what had went on
Hurting inside being confused
Wanting answers but get none
Nothing else to do but to hurt!

Change of Heart

-Change of Heart-
Kissed by love, stung by pain
I promised myself never again
I'd give it up for good, be lonely all my life
Never be a mother, never be a wife
But you changed my mind
After I had promised myself a million times
So let me ask you now
You changed the biggest part of me, how?
Made me remember the kiss forget the pain
Made me feel a love so utterly impossible to sustain
More than words can describe, more than I can show
You  changed my life forever and I just wanted you to know

I miss You

-I miss You-
I miss the way you were so mean
I miss the different hair colors
I miss the way you would act
The way you would need a smoke
The emptiness of our voices on the phone
The guitar playing with your music
The way you would sing
How you would deny it
The long conversations outside
The ones that lasted hours
I miss being alone with you
The way you would be so flirty
And be so cute when nobody was watching
I miss ho much bigger your hands were to mine
The way you looked so fine
The smile when you got your way
The way you were so stingy
I miss you acting tough and strong
How you thought you were never wrong
The way your hand always found mine
There are so many things I miss about you
But mostly and plain fully said
I just miss you!

Thank you, my Hero

-Thank you, my Hero-
I lay here in my bed
Thinking in my head
Wishing I wouldn't of done
Or wished that I was gone
A bottle on the floor
With a note taped to the door
Now feeling numb
Thinking how could I have been so dumb
What did I just do
With my face feeling blue
Hoping now that I would live
Wanting and wishing for someone to come in
There she was my little saint
Saying I looked faint
She leaned over
Giving me a kiss on the cheek
Now only if I could speak
Next day I'm sick
But happy as ever
Knowing now I only have a fever
To thank the one
Who saved my life
Who I once called Bratann
My angel, my saint, my hero

Drawing a Picture

-Drawing a Picture-
I will draw a picture
It will be pretty and red
I won't use a pencil
I'll use my razor and wrist instead
I draw it deep
It's the only thing that helps my pain
I go just a little deeper
It helps me stay sane
I feel by body fading away
But my spirit will forever stay
I will draw a picture
A picture with a twist
I will draw it with a razor
I will draw it on my wrist
If I draw it correctly a fountain will appear
Draining all my sorrow
Draining all my fear

-Suicide is a drug-

-Suicide is a Drug-
You start cutting thinking it'll be alright
When your dead there's no more living in fright
But what happens when you don't succeed, when you don't die?
With everyone knowing what you did how will you get by?
If you've done it once you'll do it again
Trust me I've been round every curve, every bend
I started to cut when my friends died
Not naturally, but committed suicide
When I do take a knife and I slice my own skin
Its depressing but it sometimes help the situation I'm in
When your lonely and the whole road is layered with slabs of pain
Your only thought " To stab yourself again"
Now cutting isn't the only way to die
There's other ways, I know because I try
What about a thick rope and wrapping it around your neck?
The only problem about that is, I can't stop all the reflex
Of course there's getting a gun, but where do I get it from?
Its as hard as finding the perfect dress
But what if I did  get one? would I shoot the bullet and become..dead?
It would shoot out all the worries that quickly pace through my head
An overdose of drugs that's easy to do
 It said to only take a few pain killers, but I took 122
And I would have to sit on the floor cause
When I stood, I fell down, I wasn't stable
When I wake up, I'll be lying in a bed in a hospital
Or maybe how about electrocuting yourself in the bath
Drop a toaster in there while your on the warpath?
And in a split second you will be alive no more
You'll just be a body left dead like the washed up whales on the seashore
There's one problem with all the above
Its that they affect the people you love
Wouldn't you hate it if somebody you loved had to die?
Think how you would feel, there's a reason why die rhymes with cry
Whether you are slitting your wrists
Or beating yourself up with your own fists
Don't get started and if you have..try to stop
For everybody's sake get rid of the pills so there's no more to pop
Next time you see someone who looks so glad
Remember that really it might be a mask, they might actually be sad
So stride up to them and hope that some day
Someone will do the same to you and give them a hug
Because remember if they start self harm they won't be able to stop...Suicide is a drug!

-Never Forget-

-Never Forget-
Pain and Crying
Lingering still are thoughts of dying
Sadness and depression
Another one of lifes hard lessons
Rage and fury
The life I live has become to blurry
On my I lay
But not to my dismay
For the cut that was cut
Has pierced the skin to deep
My body is motionless
I am to weak
My world is spinning
And your name I cry out
I guess you can't hear me
For I am not ready to go
I have friends, family
And I know they'll miss me so
God please, I am begging you
Just do me one more favor...
Let me live
And I'll try and stop my destructive behavior
I'm telling you, I'm not ready to die
There's to much going for me
I haven't even met the perfect guy
But if in the end of this, I do die
I have one last wish
Let everyone know my love for them flows deep
And that I will never forget.